Dan Lerner

A Post for Bryan Bergs Dad

Dan Lerner — Thu, 29 May 2008 23:46:40 -0000

To say I've been a slacker here would be a bit of an understatement. I pretty much posted last in January, which if my math is correct, would be over a month ago. But nothing gets me back into the posting game like wedding. Especially since the last one was that of Bryan (and Lauren) and I'm pretty sure he runs Imeem or something.

This post however, really isn't about the wedding. It was a nice wedding, for those who care. Lauren looked lovely in her dress. Bryan looked...like Bryan but in a tuxedo. Ted Berg gave a good toast. It was great to see the various Bergs and Richardsons, and all the old folk who live elsewhere now (Banner and Amanda, Donnie and Ang, Melissa and Brian). And surprisingly with all of us in one place, no one got alcohol poisoning, injured, or arrested. Though everyone was looking pretty rough Monday at breakfast, and I'm pretty sure I drank about a pot of coffee before heading back out on the road. I will have pictures up soonish. My skills at photography have not improved since last I posted, in fact, they may even have worsened. I'm pretty sure only half of the pics I took, at best, are both not blurry and kind of framed good enough to post. Who says the focus of the picture can't be all the way to the left, with empty space everywhere else? Oh...everyone? Yeah. Either way, it was a good wedding, and congratulations to the Bergs. Its finally nice to be able to refer to them that way, without getting punched by Lauren.

If am I to start posting again, there is the big question: with Jessica Alba both knocked up and off the market, do I need to change the blogs tagline? And if so, who could replace Jessica Alba in the wheelchair? Jessica Beil? Scarlett Johanson? Figuring this conundrum out more than anything else will probably determine if I resume my spotty schedule of randomly posting rambling and semicoherent posts at a frequency that can best be described as 'spotty'. Someone needs to fill the void of run on sentences and mispellings in everyones lives.

Future No Longer Safe From Robots

Dan Lerner — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:31:42 -0000

Sad news, the most qualified Republican Presidential Candidate is no longer actively seeking office. Thats right, Fred Thompson has dropped out. Though its good news for Law and Order Fans, as once the writers strike ends they can bring in the latest spin off: Law and Order: Capital Crimes. Its a shame, because he had the strongest anti-robot platform, and was really good in that movie Dave. Plus his wife would make a hot first lady. How can you not vote for an ex actor with a wife half his age. Maybe if he'd been in a movie with a monkey. It worked for Reagen.

At this point, I now officially dislike all the republican candidates. Yes, you too John McCain. Sure, even though 95 and senile you are still saner than the others running in your party. Guess it doesn't matter too much, wasn't like I was going to vote Republican anyway.

In the long run its irrelevant. Now that Fred will not be in office, Old Glory will go under, resulting in the invetable rise of the machines. Just like predicted in the terminator movies.

He'll Fight the Robots

Dan Lerner — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 02:51:48 -0000

I have decided to endorse candidates on both sides, because it seems fair. And thats the sort of fairness our founding fathers hide in mind when they wrote the constitution back in the 1700s. Granted they were all hopped up on fresh locally grown tobacco and legally prescribed opium, but whatever. Todays endorsement, the republican. after mucb thought (minutes), we're going with Fred Dalton.

Lets face it, the best republican president in recent history, Ronald Reagan. And Fred is just like Reagen, he's an actor and he likes monkeys. Thompson convincingly portrayed former President US Grant, and as we all know Grant was clearly the greatest president ever, hence the initials US. As a former fictional district attorney, Fred will be tough on crime. He's a great public speaker, enjoys the occasional cigar, and knows Bruce Willis.

But more than anything else, he's the least batshit crazy Republican running. He accepts things like gravity, evolution, and physics and accepted forms of science. He's anti polygamy. He looks like he might enjoy buying food from a sketchy roadside vendor. All things his other candidates aren't.

And lastly, he'll convince good friend Sam Waterson to help lower rates of Old Glory Robot Insurance, proudly protecting senior citizens from the steely hands of attack robots since the early 1990s.

And then there were less

Dan Lerner — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 03:06:02 -0000

For those too busy seeking shelter from 75mph wind gusts in the North East, Governor Bill Richardson ended his bid to become the first latino to lose a Presidential election. The third candidate to drop out overall, its a signal that maybe its time to kind of pay a little attention to this whole election thing. It feels tougher this time around because there are approximately 300 people running for President, and almost none of them are of the standard group that always run for President. Steve Forbes? Not running. Alan Keyes? Not running. Al Sharpton? Not running. Ralph Nader? Not running. John Kerry? Not running. John Edwards? Not...oh wait, he's running, just not so much with the winning.

The good news for John Edwards, after Joe Biden dropped out, he's got the market for Democrats that hate blacks, ladies. Polling seems to indicate however that those numbers aren't quite as high as Edwards might have hoped. I'm not entirely sure if Lieberman is running. I'll just assume he is, either way no one is voting for him. The Democrat side is a two trick pony. Or a two pony show. I don't know, my metaphors are mixed tonight. Anyway: Hillary Clinton, the Senator from NY. As many are aware, former first lady, not really a New Yorker, and part robot. Her opponent: Barrack Obama. While Barrack has views on many important issues, the media would like you to remember one big thing: he's black.

I know what you're thinking, is America ready to elect a female or black President, or is the Democratic Party just setting itself up for failure by supporting two people who have no chance to succeed. Well, here's the fun, the GOP has unloaded its clown car of crazy this year. Lets take a quick peak at the choices.

Mitt Romney: Ex Governor of Massachusetts, which as many of you know is communist. He's Mormon, which is a mild step away from cult.

Mike Huckabee: Heir to famed restaurant chain fortune. Crazier religious zealot than Romney. Believes world is flat, evolution is wrong, gravity is lies, and dinosaurs never existed. His numbers prove people in Iowa are eating lead paint.

Fred Thompson. Appeared in Die Hard 2. Not to be confused with Carl Weathers (appeared in Predator), Reginald ValJohnson (Die Hard), or Sam Waterson (Law and Order, hates robots).

John McCain: Senile, but a war vet.

Rudy Guillina: Jackass.

Everyoneelse: irrelevant. Thats right Ron Paul, no one cares about you. Just that one guy who stands at the corner near the Blockbuster with a handwritten Ron Paul sign. When your supporters on one of the cities busiest intersections can't even get a real campaign sign to annoy traffic with, you're in trouble. That goes for the kids on the other side too, if you're a politician representing Alaska, you are not winning. If you're name ends in "Kucinich", you won't even win in the city of Cleveland.

My research has no indicated I jumped the gun, Alan Keyes is running for President. And for anyone googling Alan Keyes, President, 2008 that found this site, I'd like to say, I'm sorry Mrs Keyes.

Wegmans Wants You To Feel Good

Dan Lerner — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 01:45:11 -0000

Wegmans, King of All Supermarkets, announced today it will cease selling cigarettes. They have ceased ordering them (from I assume the Cigarette Factory in Richmond, VA) and will deplete their remaining supplies. On top of this, they plan to create a program for employees who smoke and wish to quit. I'm not entirely sure I agree with this new fangled plan.

Now, I don't smoke. I don't support smoking. But this policy shift seems like it could start a chain. Smoking is legal, and whether or not I smoke is irrelevant. If someone else wants to smoke, and they aren't doing so in a manner that causes harm to me (like in my car, or burning down my parents house...I'm looking at you grandma!), then let them. It keeps my taxes lower, which means I don't have to partake in as much illegal gambling and money laundering to fund my effort to build a chain of novelty restaurants. More than anything else, it seems like one of those nannystate style moves that sets a bad precedent. Today Wegmans stops selling smokes. Next it could be alcohol. Or butter. And if I can't drink and make things with butter, than why the fuck should I live in America. Might as well go to China, where I can live on a government farm, raising one chicken while praising the Chairmen. At least those Red bastards would let me have butter (communist butter, but still butter).

I had intentions to include a joke in here somewhere about a certain member of the supermarket ruling elite and his previous rumored crack problem, but I couldn't work it in, but assume it was the standard one involving the bulk foods section, razor blades and straws.

Media Conglemorates Killed the Radio Star

Dan Lerner — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 01:18:17 -0000

At the beginning of the month, Infinity Broadcast officially left the Rochester radio market, with Entercom (the folks behind the Buzz) purchasing their stations. This means that Entercom's local holdings now include the Buzz, Fickle, the Zone, PXY, CMF, and some country station that you shouldn't listen to. Because country music will steal your soul, pickup truck, dog and girlfriend. Stupid country music. Point being, there are laws against that sort of thing, and only some of the stations will survive. The rest, will be forced into competition in the octagon. Many will enter. Only one will exit.

Wait. no? Ok. The rest, will be resold, taken off the air, or taken out behind the studios at High Falls (High Falls, where dance clubs come to die) and shot. Much like what happened to Centers and Tiki Bobs. Now from what I understand, PXY, your place for the same eight songs all day, will remain on the air. As will CMF, since Entercom really needs two classic rock stations in one city. And the Zone...not so much.

From all accounts (two different things I read), no one wants to by the Zone. Which seems odd, since they are now the only modern rock station in the Rochester Market. There was the NERVE, which was moved down the dial to a less powerful station, then later sold to the guys who have HUUUUUUUUGE car sales so they could play smooth jazz and car commercials. And in theory, there's WBER, which is sometimes modern rock. And sometimes whatever the DJ feels like playing. So realistically, its just the Zone. Now, the Zone has run the full circle. Back in the late 90s, I remember stretches where the DJs would toss in a CD and walk away. Hearing four songs from one album, in the order they appeared on the album was not terrible unusual, especially on Sundays before 2pm. But somewhere along the line they became respectable. They dared to play mostly music, while the NERVE killed its morning with Howard Stern. And then when their competition went under...they dropped the ball. They picked up Stern. They replaced Stern with crappy Ohio talk radio, and filled the afternoons with Opie and Anthony broadcasts that the rest of the state heard live 10 hours earlier. They even....played Dave Matttttthews. But, if you want to hear new Linkin Park, Queens of the Stone Age, while also avoiding hearing Fergie and Rhiani, its your only choice. But since one company now owns half the radio dial, those days could be over.

So its a wait and see. There will continue to be five local stations that offer quite the selection of Journey, Queen, Bon Jovi, Eddie Money, and of course, local musician Foreigner. But the days of newer rock in Rochester, may soon be over.

A Post for Ken

Dan Lerner — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 22:05:55 -0000

In a discussion with Ken earlier, the topic was that new car commercial with the voice activated radio. You know the one, two guys driving, and the passenger tries to find the embarrassing mp3s on his buddy's ipod by yelling out artists. Tiffany. Michael Bolton. Ooh, you got Bolt0wnd.

So the question, would Tiffany be that bad? Sure, its not great music, but at least for someone raised in the 80s it has some retro value. She had big 80s hair and held concerts in malls. I'm not entirely sure she had more than one song, and she had even less longevity than Debbie Gibson, but you'd think that'd be significantly less embarrassing than Michael Bolton.

But pound for pound, the worst find would clearly be Sarah McLaugclin. If that guy found Sarah on his buddy's car system, he'd have been legally allowed to punch him in the face, steal the car, and take his friends wife. Sarah is the epitome of chick music. Chick music for girls who don't shave, wear hippie skirts, and shoe's made of balsa wood. Even eunuchs wouldn't listen to that crap, or Dave Matthews Band members. Being a guy and listening to Sarah takes away your guy cred quicker than playing the left side of the infield for the Yankees. You might as well pick up manly blonde Canadian strippers. In fact, I think catching Sarah on his playlist would have made for a better commercial, so if anyone out there is in advertising or marketing, call me. I have ideas. Brilliant ones.

Attack of the Bees

Dan Lerner — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 19:44:55 -0000

My apartment is being assaulted by honey bees. I'm not quite sure how or why. My understanding was that honey bees are on the verge of disappearing, and science doesn't know why. They why turns out to be because they are in my livingroom. They sneak in about two at time. Buzz around annoying the hell out of me. And eventually end up dead on the windowsill, probably because my apartment is noticeable free of bee food. At least I assume it is. Bees eat...flowers or something. And honey nut cheerios. How the hell would I know, my last biology class was in the mid90s.

anyway, I don't know how they get in. I know they are dumb, because they continue to come in. I cleaned a pile of dead ones off the windowsill last night. And theres already two more. You'd think if you were a bee, and saw a pile of dead bees, you'd go 'fuck this shit, I'm not going in there." Ants are smart enough to do that. Ants mark their path, and if an Ant goes somewhere and fails to return, other ants know not to follow that path, assuming that path leads to danger. Bees: nope.

Bees by the way, not amusing. Much like movies about bees (both animated and spelling). Being that it was 32 degrees outside, one would assume it will stop soon. Otherwise I might have to get some sort of bee killing thing. I'm not entirely sure what the enemy of bees is.

Softrock the vote?

Dan Lerner — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 02:36:14 -0000

There was an election today. I found it hard to care. Odd year election. Nothing bigger than county executive up for grabs, and no one seemed to even want to run against Maggie Brooks. I know I'm not the only one who cared not, when I showed up to vote at 5pm I was told i was only the 45th person to vote at that location. Sure, maybe the freezing rain didn't exactly help with what appears to be a 20% turnout. But the lack of the local government making any sort of progress lately seems to contribute as well. Maggie Brooks seems to have accomplished little aside from keep our libraries safe from teenagers googling boobs, yet the local Dems couldn't even find one person in a city with 3 dems to every republican to make a run. City council was up, but after four years of living and voting in the city I still couldn't tell you what exactly the city council does. And of course, the DA, which only would be interesting if after the election I could have Don run up to the winners kid and yell YOUR FATHERS THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY. Though chances are they wouldn't be as amused as I was. Plus, you know, our city is spiraling further into crime like its Detroit or something.

Eh. Maybe the next election will be more interesting. Maybe they candidates will have something to say. Probably not though.

Brett Farvre Would Have Invested in Loonies

Dan Lerner — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 00:03:40 -0000

By now many of you (well, at least Don), have heard the big news. The Bills have no plans on relocating to Toronto, but merely wish to permanantly play games there. Ralph Wilson reminds you that there is nothing to see here, please move along, and ignore the man who smells of poutine and maple syrup hiding behind the curtain.

It seems highly likely that the Big Man in the commissioners office will say no to Grandpa Ralphs plan to play one regular season game a year in Toronto. Its exactly in accordance with his plan, from that crazy Mexico City game from years past to the London game of hours past. Games in not America. And Buffalo is sitting there going 'thats great, sign us up to play in America Jr".

Bills fans...you deserve it. Lately the Bills have been having issues selling tickets. Everyone wants to go to the first few games, but come end of season suddenly three straight games are getting blacked out because thousands of tickets are still available. Don't blame the cold, countless cheeseheads show up to watch Brett Farvre toss interceptions into triple coverage in -30 weather long after the Packers have been elinated from the playoffs. Surely you can drop money on the leagues cheapest tickets to see JP Lossman toss a 5 yard incompletion in the snow. Granted Buffalo has been listed as the losingest sports city by ESPN, Sports Illustrated, Yahoo Sports, Versus, and the crazy homeless guy who rides his bicycle up and down Park and tells jokes for a $1. But you're abondonment of your team could result in them going to the truest enemy of our nation: Canada. Pretty soon JP and Trent will be enjoying socialized medicine, medicinal marijuana and all nude strip clubs while they eat ham called bacon in Toronto, the mighty capital of Canada. John Candy is no longer here to defend you and save the day either.