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Lately

Dylan Krieger — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 00:02:02 -0000

I've been feeling kind of writers blocky. I've been trying to ignore it, but I'm just not sure what to write, and even more disturbing, I can't even remember why people ever want to write. It seems kind of lame. Not lame, just weird. Like, why would I see this pen, pick it up, and then put it to paper? That feels like a completely random act. Or I guess, more specifically, why would I see this weird plastic computer, lift up the top (laptop) and start typing so I can see words? Why wouldn't I just be outside, um, living. I guess this always happens when I like someone. When I'm like, seeing someone. Even though I'm not really seeing Eric. But I always find it really hard to concentrate on my writing when I'm thinking about someone. You know? It's like there's this part of my brain reserved for having fantasies and making stuff up, and when there's someone in it, taking it up (Eric is such a little piglet anyway), there's less room for writing. I wonder if that means I've got to write while I can, before I get married. But I guess marriage, I mean, relationships that work, turn into partnerships, where both people can still manage to function and have lives. Unless you're talking about F.S. Fitzgerald and Zelda or something. Which, let's face it, might have seemed appealing to me when I was 17, but definitely doesn't anymore. Not that Eric is anything like that. What am I talking about? Oh man. Too much coffee today. Why do I insist on drinking that shit? So damn much?

Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Numbers Game

I have been trying to avoid writing this entry. Because I know it "doesn't matter," and I should "stop worrying about it," and "we all work at a different pace," and "age is much less important than where you are in your life." But. I can distinctly remember being 19 and thinking: okay, one last year before the year when I'm going to publish my book. Then at 20, when New Years' Eve ran around, I felt placid, knowing: this is the year I am 20, the year I will BECOME myself! Granted at that point I was trying to beat the curve. Because…

F. Scott Fitzgerald was 24 when he published This Side of Paradise
Philip Roth was 25 when he published Goodbye Columbus
Jonathan Safran Foer was 24 when he published Everything Is Illuminated, which totally doesn't belong in this company, except that I also remember it off the top of my head, unless I am wrong and it's 25, which would almost be equally bad, since all I write is a blog, and a piece on the HUNKS OF GLOBAL WARMING.

Now I'm going to neurotically do some more research about the ages of the first success of successful people…

Too depressing nevermind.

I realize that most people reading this will just think I'm an over-educated loser who needs therapy.

And I am that.

But if there is one person reading, one lone person, who had also felt this way, who also feels like an under-acheiever for not being an over-achiever…

Then I will feel vindicated for this totally embarrassing revelation of my own insanity.

And that, my friends, is what America is all about.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Awesome Song

Hey guys,

A friend of mine on quarterlife just sent me this song that he recorded. I haven't listened to it enough times to know whether I think its message makes sense (Ozone is kind of an old issue), but I still think it's pretty sweet.

http://www.quarterlife.com/index.php?module=portifolio&file=gallery_drill&id=&fid=239811

Check it out.

D

Hilary Part Two

I knew this day would come. I am OVERWHELMED by intense empathy for Hilary Clinton. She cried! Well that's what the headlines said, but she actually just got a little choked up. That is so sad. Basically, the only reason I'm not voting for her is because she's a Clinton. If she were a senator who had not been first lady, I would probably be voting for her. I mean, if she had been First Lady, but we weren't coming out of a president whose father was a president, I would vote for her. I just can't deal with the Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton thing. It feels really embarrassing. Or more than embarrassing, really un-American. To me, a vote for Obama has a lot to do with the message that a brown face in the White House will send to other countries. Which is the opposite of the message that a Clinton would send, even if she is a woman. Oh sigh. I wish I could vote for her. I wonder if I'm going to end up voting for her….

Then again, she is still the Senator from New York, She's got it pretty good. I am not voting for a Clinton! What is this the Qing Dynasty?!?!?

Sunday, January 06, 2008
Can the Real Internet Generation Please Stand Up Please Stand Up

Can we talk for a minute about the fact that I'm not actually in the digital generation? When I was a teenager, people sort of had AIM but they didn't know how to use it, the idea of meeting someone online was crazy and impossible to imagine. I guess I was still a teenager with all those weird things that delivered stuff to you for free. I had a friend from camp who grew up in New York City and I went to her house once and one day in the middle of the afternoon we really wanted a chocolate cake and we called this place what was it called? Not kazaa? Kambam? No, but something like that, and they brought up a cake, totally free. It was amazing. Meaning that I grew up in an age when the internet was like this bizarre thing that no one really understood. People thought they could run around New York City, charging you nothing to go buy you a cake and somehow they would come out on top. Others thought they could buy and sell books online and they could come out on top. Those people were actually right. The cake people weren't, but we got a delicious cake without ever leaving our house.

Point is, the kids who are growing up now, or even people three or four years younger than I am, totally grew up online. Like actually. They had online boyfriends and girlfriends who they finally met one day, after taking buses across states. They were in fan clubs. They IMed with boys they had crushes on. I mean, I remember being on the very tail end of IMing with boys I had crushes on. I mean, no boys I had crushes on IMed me, but I remember that some girls did IM with the boys they had crushes on. Not to be a pity party, but I was kind of a late bloomer. I'd supply pictures, but I feel that that is deeply unnecessary. I supply pictures to people I really like. When I'm on their beds. Not online. Which by the way, is more proof that I am not really part of this alleged digital generation. I'm old. I'm kind of anti-technology. I even thought it was weird that Lisa was meeting someone online.

Oh man.

More politics tomorrow, since I've got a lot of thought on what you guys wrote. Yay Obama!

Thursday, January 03, 2008
FINALLY POLITICS

So, today is the day of the Iowa caucuses.

I've been pretty confused for a long time about what that actually meant, but now I figured it out, thanks for a very good article in the New York Times today. (How Democrats Select Their Delegates). I wanted to put a link to it here, but I read it in a real newspaper because I was at a coffee shop -- I usually read the paper online, like the rest of my ruining-the-newspaper-industry-but-saving-the-trees generation -- and now I can't find it. So instead I'll just put links to nytimes.com in general and hope someone clicks on it and has a better time finding this article than I have. There are also other articles there about the caucuses.

But the point is not the weird and interesting way that Iowans do their elections, but the fact that it's the first important election of this presidential contest, which is really exciting and scary and important.

The other night I was at dinner with some friends and we started talking about what it would be like if Obama -- who we all love and want for president -- was actually president, and we all agreed that it would be so weird for us to have a president who we actually liked, actually respected, and actually believed it. We thought it would totally change our whole generation.

I mean, I think one of the reason my generation is the way it is -- caring more about our dumb myspace profiles than about our actual lives and their importance -- is because every time we've cared about anything, we've been totally fucked. We cared so much about the environment. All of us, we recycled, we planted trees, we cared so much, and then the big corporations didn't care. They didn't listen to us. They kept cutting down the rainforest.

And then there was George Bush, who was awful. I mean, you don't even need to say it anymore. He's awful. He's an embarrassment.

So what would happen if we had a president we could believe in? Would we all be different? Would it be like one of those fantasy movies where the curse is lifted from the land and all the colors come back and the animals come back and we all dance together? And everyone's happy and no one has problems? Of course not. But it almost feels like it would be. I don't think any of us realize how deep the depression has been under Bush, and how awful it's been.

Obama really seems like a new chance for America, and that's why I'm so nervous about the primaries -- because I really want him to have a chance to be president.

Ah!!!! nervous!!!

D

Another post about my MySpace readers...
Again I sign on to write about politics, which I will do, right after saying that my reader Michael is a total pimp. If he can get this much mileage out of my lame blogs (I am refering now to the fact that as a result of my last posting about him and a reader named AJ who has no disappeared, he roped another cute young girl, Konvict, into back-and-forth banter with him), I can only imagine the game he can throw elsewhere. Michael, for an average-looking dude with gray hair, wearing a suit, you are pretty much Dionysus.

Word.

Sunday, December 30, 2007
My MySpace Readers...

Okay so I was all set to go online just now and write about politics, since it's the primary on January 3rd and I'm getting really excited/ scared/ ancipipatory (not a word?) about it, sicne I'm a big Obama fan, as I think I've mentioned on this blog before, and I also like John Edwards, and I don't think Hilary Clinton would be a bad president, but I kind of intensely don't want her to be president for a lot of reasons, possibly mostly because I hate the idea of Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton. BUT that's not what I'm writing about today because I had the good fortune to read the comments that Michael and AJ posted on my last entry on MySpace (I posted my thing about monogamy on MySpace and quarterlife, as I do most of my entries, because I'm kind of a social network whore).

Let me first explain what happened and then talk about why it is so awesome.

So, Michael wrote a long entry about monogamy and the science of sex. It seemed like it must have been totally interesting and smart, but, let's face it, I totally skimmed it (sorry Michael! I'm just a ridalin mtv generation loser like the rest of them I guess).

Then AJ, who appears to be a cute blonde girl in a Santa costume, wrote: "I think reading this just took the fun out of sex."

I thought she was refering to my post and was a little offended, until I saw Michael's: "hahahahaha...awww i wouldn't worry about that....you'll be able to go back and enjoy meaningless sex as soon as you sign off...if not...message me for a remedy."

Then, a few hours later, he added: "Isn't it a shame the way common sense takes all the fun out of pathological behavior??????"

The next morning, notably at 6 am, AJ wrote: "Yea, because that is what I want in the bedroom, reading a thesis about pathological behavior while he is sticking it in my woo woo. That is exactly what I want and turns me on. Excuse me, but I think I lost my mojo, I need to go and find it."

Four hours later, Michael: "well I never claimed this this comment was meant to be reading material prior, during or just following sex...but you'll have to excuse my being serious and putting some thought into my comments....my bad...."

Four more hours, AJ: "your excused"

A mere 14 minutes (!) later, Michael: "oh by the way...I don't know where you might have left your " mojo " , but the first place I'd look if I were you is near your " woo woo ". 8^)"

Two hours later, AJ: "Thats kind of hot. Searching around in my woo woo. See why couldn't you just say that from the getco?"

Six hours later, at 10:20 PM, Michael wrote: "well i just want you to kow that I m offering my services to find your lost mojo...and if that means mounting an expedition in to your woo woo then so be it...i'm always readyb to lend a hand...8^)"

And that was the last of the comments on that thread. I really, really, really hope that they got together and had wild sex that night (um, last night). Because there could be no better result of my lame, sexually repressed whining than two people meeting on the internet and having some hot sex.

I would say, "Am I right?" But I totally know I'm right.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Monogamy

What is it with people are their feeling about the superiority of non-monogamous relationships? It's like people think they are so much more open-minded, so EVOLVED if they have open relationships. And the argument that people only feel jealousy because it's something they're taught to feel is so dumb, not to mention totally irrelevant. Like, who really cares why you feel it, if you feel it? And anyway, isn't it supposed to be the law of the jungle? That men was the preserve the purity of their offspring and women want to – what? – ensure that their man isn't going to leave them alone?

I mean, part of me thinks I'm being 100% normal in this opinion and part of me – I'll admit it – thinks I'm being a little bit prudish. Or at least imagines how other people could disagree with me. You know? Like, the little bit of sort of hypothetical empathy that I'm letting in shows me that I might be totally idiotic and lame that instead of putting the word "evolved" in quotes, I should just admit that people who believe in open relationships are more evolved, and just deal with the fact that I'm a stuck-up daughter of the Pilgrims who will probably never have sex that is QUITE as good as those who are totally in touch with their own bodies and souls. On the other hand, I've heard that being neurotic makes you have better sex, or at least that repression, when released and expressed, looks like passion. But why am I writing about having sex right now? I thought I was writing about the very reasonably and debatable issue of monogamy in relationships!

Aargh!

Thursday, December 20, 2007
Moment with Eric and My Dress

I bought this new dress. It's blue. And when I brought it home, Eric was there and he saw it and, I don't know, it was kind of this intense moment. I was like, really attracted to him. Like middle school dance attracted to him. It was so unexpected. I mean, he's ridiculous and annoying. Right? But it was just interesting because things like that happen immediately. I mean, Eric or no Eric, it's just like youre going around being like, yuck, no one wants to date me, and then suddenly you meet someone who does, or maybe does, or kind of does, or doesn't, but you're deluded enough to think maybe does, and then everything changes then, not gradually. Such is life. Why do I always feel like I need to say something dumb like "such is life" after pontificating (pontificating? or is pontification only to a captive audience? because clearly you all care -- again, undermining what I'm saying).

Well, I had that moment with Eric, that's all.

I assumed he was just going to hate my dress, or make fun of it for being corporately made. But he said, "I make an exception for womens' fashion," which I thought was kind of a great thing to say. It means he has a sense of humor about himself, you know?

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Dylan Krieger — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 19:02:27 -0000

Remember
that Sopranos episode where Carmella and all her friends were sitting
around talking about how they hated Hillary Clinton and then they
realized all she had ever done was try to be a nice wife under bad
circumstances and decided that they actually loved her? That was a
great scene. But I still hate Hillary Clinton. It took me a really long
time to realize that it had nothing to do with her being a woman. I
wasn’t like having some kind of self-hating feminist malfunction. I
just don’t like her the same way I don’t like any corporate candidate
who is totally THE SYSTEM. I mean, hello, “the system” is inherently
bad. Therefore anything supported by and supporting “the system” is
bad. I mean, I am being sarcastic. I am being sarcastic about something
I really believe, which I think might be the end of a person’s soul.
Hmmm. What I mean is that Hillary Clinton is just a boring
establishment candidate, and her gender kind of complicates that
because you think she must be more interesting. But actually she’s not.

You know what I can’t get out of my head? That time when Debra said,
“Hi Dylan, you strange, odd person.” Don’t know why. That’s just
hanging around in my mind, like a chant. And now I’m saying it to
myself: Dylan, you strange, odd person.

The bottom line on HRC (Hillary Rodham Clinton, NOT the Human Rights
Campaign) is that why the hell would anyone vote for her when they
could vote for Obama and Edwards, who are both legitimately populists.
And how like America to choose a corporate establishment candidate over
a real populist. Oh man, I am losing my faith.

I don't know, maybe Hillary is the best candidate. She certainly seems a hell of a lot more competent than I am. What do I know.

Dylan, you strange, odd person.

Celibacy Con't

Dylan Krieger — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 14:20:37 -0000

Just now I was in the kitchen making a bagel, and I thought to myself: well, I'll be celibate for a while, that's okay, that's just how it is. And then I was like: NO!

Or more like: WHY?

I love Debra and everything, I've known her and loved her for years, and I don't blame anyone who loves her for loving her, but is there really THAT big of a difference between her and me? I mean, is the difference big enough to have justified the huge chasm in our experiences. Boys in love with her: 2. Boys in love with me: 0. (Andy, I'm sorry, but I don't take your feelings seriously).

Why when someone with my exact looks and my exact personality could probably be having an entirely different life…somewhere. And it's not even like my life is BAD, it's just like…I really think I would be a great girlfriend. I would love to go out with myself – I mean, not really, I would drive myself crazy, but if I was my dream man I would love to go out with myself…

Ugh.

Lisa's Survey

Dylan Krieger — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 14:18:53 -0000

Lisa’s Survey

In my ongoing effort to re-ingratiate myself to Lisa, I have done her quiz. Check it out Lisa!

Two names you go by:
1. Dylan
2. Dylan (Not Dill!)

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. Red sock
2. Purple sock

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Writing
2. Eating pizza.

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. Get in a jacuzzi
2. Get in a pool

Two favorite pets you have had/have
1. Jester
2. Nicky

Two people who will fill this out:
1. I agree on Andy
2. Is it cheating to say Lisa?

Two things you did last night:
1. Slept
2. Had a weird dream

Two things you ate today:
1. Cookie
2. Yogurt

Two people you last talked to:
1. Debra
2. Lisa

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. Job
2. taking a long time on my lunch break

Your favorite holidays:
1. Fourth of July
2. Labor Day

Two favorite beverages:
1. Fresca
2. Iced Tea

Jed

Dylan Krieger — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 14:17:24 -0000

When I say that Jed is an artist, what exactly do I mean? What do I mean by that heavily weighted word: artist? That excuse for doing bad things, that fake tag that people put on themselves to try to give themselves flavor and personality. I mean that even if Jed wore a Brooks brothers shirt tucked into his pleated khakis every day, and never spoke about anything he was working on, he would be an artist because he creates art. That sounds so boring and obvious, but if I thought about all the people I knew from college who called themselves artists just because they were stoned, because they weren't "debutantes" or "meatheads." I read a quote somewhere recently about how the only thing worse than being an conformist was being a conformist of non-conformity. Um, word. I agree. Jed would never be that. He never could be. It's just the way he thinks. He's original. He's a person who makes you realize what people mean when they say that talent just exists, it's just a gift that people use or don't use. He's just gifted. He's a gifted child. And he cares, and maybe that's what makes him an artist: a lucky divinely given talent, plus the intelligence and discipline to care. He's sort of my role model. Except that I'm nothing like him.

Um Brittany...

Dylan Krieger — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 00:05:26 -0000

Um, I did
not know how relevant that Bette Davis quote was…Brittany…is not online
so I can say whatever I want about her. She probably uses Linked In or
something and that’s it. Or maybe she’s one of those people who has a
profile on Second Life and pretends to be a prostitute – I mean, IS a
prostitute online. As opposed to her status in life as a mercenary. I
can’t believe she stole my idea! That is something that a villain does,
and I mean, Brittany is a bitch and everything, but I never thought of
her as a bad person. I never thought of her as a person who would do
something that the world had decided was wrong. I mean, what’s next
Brittany? Armed robbery? But with a b.b. gun so she doesn’t have to
feel that bad about it?

Sorry Lisa...

Dylan Krieger — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 22:05:50 -0000

And now my
first attempt to actually address you people, now that I know people
are actually reading this. I am going to try not to get too
self-conscious about this.

In attempts to regain Lisa’ affection, I have been stalking her on
various social networking sites, and found a quote she put online from
Bette Davis.

“I often think that a slightly exposed shoulder emerging from a long
satin nightgown packed more sex than two naked bodies in bed.”

And her shoulder is very sexy. I have noticed. You have noticed.

Other choice Bette Davis quotes:

“I will never be below the title.”

Say it like it is, Lady.

Lisa, oh glorious Lisa, will also never be below the title.

“I do not regret one professional enemy I have made. Any actor who
doesn't dare to make an enemy should get out of the business.”

This is heartwarming considering what a disaster I seem to be at work.

Humbled, exposed...

Dylan Krieger — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 22:04:01 -0000

Nadine Gordimer says you have to write posthumously.

And I quote from an interview with her in the Virginia Quarterly:

Is the novel the freest of mediums? You wrote once that, subconsciously, there is always some self-censorship in nonfiction.

There is more truth in my fiction than in nonfiction. I think,
subconsciously, [if] I am writing an article or talking to you, there
is a certain amount of self-censorship going on. But in my fiction I am
writing as if I were dead. I want to say it all. I want to say
everything I know.

Do you mean that you write as if posthumously, with the seriousness that the awareness of death brings?

No, it’s nothing to do with death. I thought this even when I was very
young. Perhaps there’s no posthumous-ness. The fact is that I am now
writing, I am talking aloud to myself, so to speak, saying as I say,
finding ways to express what I know and what I’m learning. [And of
course another thing that people don’t understand, when you’ve written
one novel there comes an idea that plagues you, and the next one. You
have not learnt from the previous one how to write this one. Each novel
takes a different voice, the voice is very important. I hear—I hear it
being told to me. And sometimes it’s going to be distanced, third
person, sometimes it’s going to be first person. Sometimes it’s going
to be in the past tense entirely, hardly ever anymore, because I think
our sense of time is never like that. Or chopping and changing from the
present to the past because that’s how we think. Do we ever live really
in the present? I don’t think so, not entirely, do you?]

http://72.14.253.104/search?q=cache:eMFoEOcpXC8J
:www.vqronline.org/webexclusive/2007/03/12/gordime
r-interview/+nadine+gordimer+%22posthumously%22&hl
=en&ct=clnk&cd=1&gl=us

This blog is my posthumous self.

More Lisa

Dylan Krieger — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 05:47:22 -0000

I am really
enjoying going on about Lisa’s ho-dom. Her prowess with men. She emits
some kind of siren to them. It is totally biological! She’s the leader
of the pack. Like literally the queen bee. Remember how “Mean Girls”
was based on that anthropological book about high school girls? Lisa
literally is the bee in the middle that all the males want to mate
with. Except in our context, of twenty-somethings in Chicago in 2007,
she’s kind of just a slut.

Here’s a picture of her looking kind of slutty. Wow, this is so wrong
of me to put up. But it’s not attached to her last name, so it will
never come up on a google search or anything. Right? Right? Yes, okay
now I am morally absolved. That was easy (how Fascism happens, people)

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseac tion=viewImage&friendID=268781057&albumID=0&imageI D=2754968

It’s not so much that she has this photo, cause whatever, everyone –
except me! – has some slutty pictures of them around, but it’s on her
myspace page. Her myspace page! Any crazy can look at it. Sorry to be
gross, but strange men have probably masturbated looking at it. Wow,
that’s gross. I hope none of them printed it out. Yuck.

She sleeps with married men, which I don’t exactly oppose on principle,
even though I totally oppose it on principle, but it’s also just so
dangerous and grown-up. Like, what? How do you even get to that place
where that is possible? She sleeps with college guys too. I have seen
that. She picked up this guy at a Halloween party who was dressed like
a baby. He had a really hot body and everyone wanted him. Even though
both the guys she flirts with at the bar where there – Lawrence, who I
love, but who I hear is moving or something, don’t know, and Josh. It’s
like, I know Lisa isn’t trying to get away with anything really. Like,
she’s not trying to be super edgy or radical or anything, she’s
basically just boning some dudes as she sees fit, but she’s sort of an
amazing lesson in what you can do. Like, I would never sleep with some
college hottie when someone I’d been flirting with from work was there.
I’d feel so…wrong.

Lis Inferiority Complex Part 3

Dylan Krieger — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 05:46:41 -0000

I think
Lisa’s slept with every random guy we’ve ever met as a group of
friends. As in, hey Dylan, Debra and Lisa, this is _____.

Two days later, ______ comes out of Lisa’s bedroom in the morning.

I did not like Lisa when I first met her. I was being a total
judgmental misogynistic bitch. I was like, she’s my competition. Or
really, I was like: there’s a real woman, I’m not a real woman,
therefore I hate her. I guess it’s just like men, like animals in a
pack recognizing their competition and neighing at it.

Actually, can I go on a tangent here about the idea of things being
biological? People are always talking about this or that being
“biological” and I guess it’s sort of trendy or something – I’m not
sure if science is always trendy once you get out of high school, but
it seems like science is really trendy these days – but it freaks me
out. Not that I’m an evolutionist or something, but it just creeps me
out to think of where I might stand in the pack. I can’t picture myself
running around on the tundra. And I’m sorry, but considering how far
we’ve come on a million different political correctness issues, isn’t
it just like ridiculous to suddenly be like, talking about biological
superiority? Just a thought.

Because outside of this “biological” thing, I would feel embarrassed
for saying that I didn’t like Lisa because I saw her as competition. I
am so not that kind of girl. I mean, in college I was always like,
friends with the girl friends of my boyfriends, no issue. I always had
friends who had slept with my boyfriends and stuff. I guess cause
that’s what I was – a friend of my boyfriend’ who was also sleeping
with him. One of the guys. Watching college football, eating chips.
Like, when I first met Lisa I thought she was going to be one of those
girls who doesn’t eat. And I was like, jigga what? But she eats. She
totally does. And I love her now. I’m actually proud of what a ho she
is in a that’s-my-roommate sort of way. Like, yeah, I’m cool by
association. Like, yeah, she’s popular. That is so ridiculous! Applying
dumb high school standards to friendships in my twenties. Or maybe it’s
not dumb, it’s just…biological? I will never grow up. I will always be
half a person like that Smiths song. I should just accept it. But I
won’t. So I’ll struggle.

Lisa Inferiority Complex Part 2

Dylan Krieger — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 05:45:55 -0000

I've never
even been on a real date (real date: a guy picks a girl up at eight and
takes her to dinner and then drops her off and tries to kiss her). I've
just, you know, made out drunk one night, and then made out drunk
again, and then made out sober, and that was pretty much all my college
relationships.

The girls I dated was a whole different story, and something that I
don't even feel like going into here, if only because people always
find it so INTERESTING. Even though there aren't any readers, other
people's interest has made my own experiences mundane. I mean, I guess
that's a lie. I am such a liar. I mean, it's true, but I also just
don't like other people's interest because its so inquisitive, and then
I have to ask myself a whole bunch of questions I didn't want to ask
myself, or didn't want to ask myself in front of other people…and then
I start worrying about my reputation again, and the rigidity of
self-definition (orientation: straight) and then all is lost.

Lisa doesn't seem to worry about her reputation. I'm supposed to be the
edgy one, but she's the one who's freer! Grrrrrr. She gets all the
benefits (freedom plus sex) and I get all the bad things
(self-consciousness minus sex). Oh how I pity myself! Oh call in the
pity party! Oh! Oh! Oh!